keptherwaiting | (no subject)

(no subject)

Any other drive along the Hoko Ozette road to head out of Forks would be calming to Jasper.

He loves taking these winding roads and turns on the Ducati, with the old growth forest all around and the Hoko River snaking its way through it all; Alice and he have taken this drive many times before, to talk and to be, just them. Little moments of normality, a guy with his girl.

Today, Jasper speeds through it (and God help the poor soul who tries to pull him over). And he’s decidedly not talking to Alice over the quiet roar of the engine.

Every time he's tried to talk to her these past few days, she's danced away from him, out of reach, always busy, leaving the worry in his heart to simmer to anger. Even as he's had to feel her from afar: uneasy, anxious, distressed.

It's excruciating.

And then she runs off with Edward. Again.

He eventually reaches a destination.

Not that he had a particular one in mind.

He simply turns off when he feels the need to, onto one of the pull offs that lead to a stretch of beach somewhere around Shipwreck Point.

The surf is violent, lightening streaking across the sky.

A crack of thunder breaks the silence after he kills the engine and waits for her to say something.

Anything.

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Jasper abandons the bike and Alice. A blink, and he's halfway down the beach before he says anything he might regret later.

Her attitude is infuriating.

Be specific.

He huffs out a breath, a growl of annoyance.

Be specific.

Might as well start from the now then, seeing as that's what set him off.

"- I've been trying to talk to you for two weeks, Alice." He knows she can hear just fine, so his voice isn't even raised to call out to her over the wind and the waves. Just steely. Cold. "Asking you, waiting for you, and you know I can tell something's wrong, but you - You just fuck off with Edward. Again."

Bella, texting him, asking if he knew where Alice had gone. Wondering if everything was okay. Worried, just as Jasper has been.

Edited 2020-06-30 21:56 (UTC)

She follows after him, but not at his speed. Trudges slowly behind him, digging her shoes into the sand to leave footprints as deep as she can make them. Being as small as she is, they still aren't that deep.

You just fuck off with Edward, again.

"I didn't fuck off with Edward in the first place," she murmurs, a snarl in her voice that she can't hold back. He always manages to hit her right where the anger lives, right in that spot she tries to keep frozen and cold deep inside of her. One sentence and Jasper can set it alight.

"I went to stop him." As if he doesn't already know. As if this isn't exactly the fight.

She raises her arms, then lets them fall to her side, letting her palms slap her legs. "I had to. I'm not apologizing for saving him."

Matching snarl for snarl: "You know what I meant."

Her and him, and that damned closet.

(Rare as it for him to actually hate the concept, he does, in this moment.)

He moves further down the beach from her, not allowing her to catch up to him.

Not yet.

"But let's talk about Volterra too: What were you thinking."

"That I had one chance to stop Edward from dying," she snaps, following, quicker now that the anger has set in.

--stormcrow; demetri's hand around her throat; stormcrow; felix tossing edward across the room like a ragdoll; stormcrow; bella screaming--

She hates this, hates the plague of memories. Her place is in the future. She should be watching the future right now, not doing this.

"I couldn't let him die, Jasper."

"None of us want to lose Edward," he snaps back over his shoulder, barely keeping ahead of her.

"One chance."

He nearly scoffs.

"And Bella was it, right? That's what you said on the phone. When you told me not to follow you. When you said to stop Emmett and Rose."

He stops. Talking. Walking. Turns to look at her.

"Don't follow me. I promise, Jasper. One way or another, I'll get out ... And I love you."

"I always trust you, Alice."

She stops short, a few feet away, her brow crinkling in confusion (annoyance). "I know you do. I always trust you--"

But her voice wavers and she swallows hard because it's right there in her face that there are some things, things that aren't hers, she can't trust him with. Because they're not hers to give.

Her jaw tightens, she breaks away from his gaze to look down at the sand at their feet instead. Demetri's fingers squeezing--

"He'd have heard us. He'd not believe us, just thinking we were lying to stop him. So I had to take her and show him. The plan was not to deal with the Volturi, but they changed it. The plan was just to get him and get out."

Aro's hand on hers, his oily mind in hers, his laughter of delight at the bond between Edward and Alice, at her powers, at the promise of one day having them--

Alice shudders softly, twisting her fingers together. "I'm sorry, for not letting...for going alone. But I'm not sorry I went."

"No."

The single word is as sharp as the crack of thunder that follows.

No, to her apology.

To her not-apologizing.

To her going by herself.

To her lying.

Because she did, didn't she?

She's holding back, even now.

He knows his wife. He knew then, on the phone, but he'd trusted her. IN a way that she clearly doesn't trust him.

And it's not about the others' secrets. He doesn't care if she keeps Edward's. He doesn't need to know Edward's. He cares about her and him and the honesty between them.

"What was it? What did you see? You kept us from joining you for a reason. I told myself it was because it was like you said. We couldn't sneak up on him, and he'd throw a Buick through a wall before we even got close enough, but there was more, wasn't there?"

Her head snaps back up at his no, at the thunder. Eyes wide as she stares up at him.

No. No, no, no.

There's a weight on her, her chest, her shoulders, and she can't stop the shudder that wracks her again, her fingers curling into fists, nails biting into skin--

Edward's face cracks under the pressure

A ragged breath and then, defeated: "I didn't see an ending, not until we were there, in the receiving room. I had no idea what would happen when I got to Volterra. Just that Bella was key. And that it might not matter anyway."

Her lips press together and she takes a tiny half-step forward. "I saw three endings, when I was there, in that room. And I chose the path that got us home safe."

Jasper takes two steps backward, shaking his head.

"I'm an idiot," he says with a sniff.

"God, I'm an idiot."

He turns away from her, a laugh bubbling out of his throat, beside himself.

"'I promise, Jasper.' That's what you said. And I thought she knows: She'd have seen. You had no guarantee."

Alice presses her hands together, then to her lips, shaking her head. "You'd have stopped me otherwise."

It's as simple and as complicated as that. As much as it hurts him, as much as it hurts her.

"I'd never be able to look Carlisle in the eye again, Jasper, if I let him die--" She stops, closing her eyes. Despair, terror, that deep dark pit inside of her threatening to swallow her whole. She's going to make it worse. Every word she says, she can feel it getting worse.

"We made it," she offers, terror making her eyes shine. "I did it, I kept my promise to you. I got home safe."

"You could have died, Alice."

That's his only concern.

Not Carlisle. Not Edward.

Alice.

His shout carries on the wind, louder than the roar of the waves, the thunder.

A shout that could bring down a mountain.

"I know," she whispers to his yell. "But that wouldn't have been the worst outcome."

Alice reaches out to him, for half a second, before letting her hand fall again, sure he won't come to her. "Just...I'm sorry. I'm so sorry I put you through that. That I'm doing it still. I'm sorry about today. I...there are things I needed to know, to do my job properly."

Let's not add in the emotional trauma of stormcrow just yet, she thinks.

Wouldn't have been - ?

The sound that tears from his throat is utterly inhuman.

No words.

Just pure inconsolable rage.

He moves further down the beach, further away from Alice.

He can't even look at her right now.

Worse, stormcrow, you've made it worse.

She wants to sink into the sand and sit, let the numbness she can feel on the edges rise up and cover her like a blanket.

She wants to follow him, to turn him around and let him scream in her face and get it all out.

She wants to go home.

Slowly, she starts moving again, towards him, her pace picking up the further she walks, until she's two meters away, silent and just watching him. His rage, his despair. There's nothing she can say right now, that will make this better.

Jasper is pacing. Not the slow drag of a human, but quick - here and there.

At the shore. At the edge of the forest where the trees meet sand.

Back at the ocean. Again at the trees.

He's at Alice's side, once or twice, the words caught in his throat. Everything he wants to yell at her. Everything he doesn't want to yell at her.

He rips one tree free from the ground at one point and slams it into another.

It doesn't help.

His eventually stops, knees in the sand.

"You don't get to decide that about us," is what he finally says, when he can.

She's afraid--

No that's not right. She's not afraid to touch him. She's afraid touching him will make him hurt worse. So she keeps her hands folded together as she kneels down next to him. Hair whips across her face in the wind, salt and dirt tasting the same in her mouth.

"You're right," Alice whispers. "I won't, again. I know you won't believe me. I know I'm hard to believe sometimes, but I'm...I'm going to do better."

She has to do better. She has to see everywhere at once. She has to keep everyone together, upright, alive.

Alice and Edward showed their cards in Volterra. Their bond, exposed. Open and flayed for Aro and Marcus. She won't have the same done to her and Jasper. If Jasper had been the one in Volterra--

Demetri's fingers would have had to crush her throat then.

It probably is best she doesn't touch him.

Every nerve is alight. He feels flayed.

"No." He's shaking his head again. "You're going to do better?"

He's always believed in her, more than himself. And yet, what history tells him -

"God, Alice. You've already chosen them. You do, time and again. You have to see everywhere at once. You have to keep everyone together."

"What was I supposed to do?!" Alice hisses at him, pushing herself up on her knees, so close to getting in his face. Rage bubbles up inside her, from that place deep down, and she doesn't push it away this time.

Carlisle named her harbinger--

"Let him die? Let Carlisle fall apart? The whole family, let them fucking fall apart?" The words fall from her lips, hurried and jumbled together. Terror laces the anger--he would say yes to all of that. For her. Because of her. "I'm not you, Jasper."

She gasps, as soon as she says it, her eyes wide, her hands clapped over her mouth. She didn't mean that--didn't mean it like that. But it hangs, heavy, in the air between them.

What can he even say to her?

Thank you? For proving his point.

He can only stare at her.

Sadness, kind of, but something deeper.

"Okay."

"No. No, no--" She reaches out for him, pushing at his shoulder. "No! You can't just say 'okay' like that!"

Her whole body trembles, and her fingers catch on his shirt before letting them fall away. "I'm upset, I didn't mean it..."

Ragged breath in, ragged breath out. She feels like the world is spinning too fast, out of control, she can't stop it.

"I need them too, Jasper. I can't--I didn't--

"I didn't mean it."

"What do you want me to say?"

Acceptance is a strange emotion.

There's a sort of helplessness to it.

A willingness to tolerate. Consenting to undertake. Being received as adequate.

It just is.

The anger is gone as quick as it rose, tamped down and destroyed by the despair that hits her like a wave.

She breathes, quickly, unnecessarily, like she desperately needs the oxygen her body won't even use. Hyperventilating, almost there.

She wants to run away. Why does she keep wanting to run away? Every day she stares out the window and thinks of just running away.

"The Volturi are going to come for me," she whispers, staring down at her fingers. "And Edward. Eventually. I don't know when or how, but I'm watching for it. I won't let them hurt you, though. I'd rather die than--"

Alice isn't sure what made her say it. A desperate need for him to hear truths from her, maybe. She'd begged Edward to not say a word of this, and here she is, spouting it off herself, most of it, except her plan.

Her plan, that grows less likely with every second passed between them. His eyes like that. She can't...she won't.

"I want you to be aware of the danger that I've brought home. Even if it makes you hate me."

It's strange to feel everything, and nothing.

Acceptance.

Jasper just sighs, nods a little.

Alice doesn't need to protect him.

He's a soldier, through and through.

He's never had a very good life expectancy.

"I'll fight them, then."

"No," She shakes her head. "You will not. I won't allow that to happen."

Sitting back in the sand, Alice draws her knees up to her chest, resting her chin on her knees, the wind sending her hair up and around and down again. She can feel the tiny pebbles of sand on her face from her knees, but it barely registers.

"I'd rather go with them, then watch you die, Jasper." Her fingers draw vague shapes in the sand below her. "Of course, from what Edward tells me, they may not give us a choice. Apparently they can break the bonds between people. Make me feel as if I've always wanted to be with them. Make you think you never loved me."

Her words are quiet, soft, under the wind. Saddened, because right now it seems their bond is so fragile that Chelsea would be able to break it without strain. Alice can't look at him. It hurts too much to think about. Losing him? Would he believe her if she said it would kill her? Does he truly think she loves him less than she loves the others?

Different kinds of love. He is not replaceable. But it all sounds and feels so hollow right now.

Won't allow it?

Jasper sighs, standing. He's staring off into the choppy waves, mind racing as he starts talking in earnest:

"Of course you will. I'm the best fighter in the coven. You'd have to use me. We'll figure out the rest. We'll need to know their powers, their weaknesses. Edward told you more?"

He assumes he did, with the way Alice talks about the bond-breaking.

"Eleazar too. And I know some vampires in the south who've had to deal with them before."

He pauses, thinking, and says, "You're smarter and more careful than Maria. You have me, your powers, Edward's."