keptherwaiting | (no subject)

(no subject)

Any other drive along the Hoko Ozette road to head out of Forks would be calming to Jasper.

He loves taking these winding roads and turns on the Ducati, with the old growth forest all around and the Hoko River snaking its way through it all; Alice and he have taken this drive many times before, to talk and to be, just them. Little moments of normality, a guy with his girl.

Today, Jasper speeds through it (and God help the poor soul who tries to pull him over). And he’s decidedly not talking to Alice over the quiet roar of the engine.

Every time he's tried to talk to her these past few days, she's danced away from him, out of reach, always busy, leaving the worry in his heart to simmer to anger. Even as he's had to feel her from afar: uneasy, anxious, distressed.

It's excruciating.

And then she runs off with Edward. Again.

He eventually reaches a destination.

Not that he had a particular one in mind.

He simply turns off when he feels the need to, onto one of the pull offs that lead to a stretch of beach somewhere around Shipwreck Point.

The surf is violent, lightening streaking across the sky.

A crack of thunder breaks the silence after he kills the engine and waits for her to say something.

Anything.

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Wouldn't have been - ?

The sound that tears from his throat is utterly inhuman.

No words.

Just pure inconsolable rage.

He moves further down the beach, further away from Alice.

He can't even look at her right now.

Worse, stormcrow, you've made it worse.

She wants to sink into the sand and sit, let the numbness she can feel on the edges rise up and cover her like a blanket.

She wants to follow him, to turn him around and let him scream in her face and get it all out.

She wants to go home.

Slowly, she starts moving again, towards him, her pace picking up the further she walks, until she's two meters away, silent and just watching him. His rage, his despair. There's nothing she can say right now, that will make this better.

Jasper is pacing. Not the slow drag of a human, but quick - here and there.

At the shore. At the edge of the forest where the trees meet sand.

Back at the ocean. Again at the trees.

He's at Alice's side, once or twice, the words caught in his throat. Everything he wants to yell at her. Everything he doesn't want to yell at her.

He rips one tree free from the ground at one point and slams it into another.

It doesn't help.

His eventually stops, knees in the sand.

"You don't get to decide that about us," is what he finally says, when he can.

She's afraid--

No that's not right. She's not afraid to touch him. She's afraid touching him will make him hurt worse. So she keeps her hands folded together as she kneels down next to him. Hair whips across her face in the wind, salt and dirt tasting the same in her mouth.

"You're right," Alice whispers. "I won't, again. I know you won't believe me. I know I'm hard to believe sometimes, but I'm...I'm going to do better."

She has to do better. She has to see everywhere at once. She has to keep everyone together, upright, alive.

Alice and Edward showed their cards in Volterra. Their bond, exposed. Open and flayed for Aro and Marcus. She won't have the same done to her and Jasper. If Jasper had been the one in Volterra--

Demetri's fingers would have had to crush her throat then.

It probably is best she doesn't touch him.

Every nerve is alight. He feels flayed.

"No." He's shaking his head again. "You're going to do better?"

He's always believed in her, more than himself. And yet, what history tells him -

"God, Alice. You've already chosen them. You do, time and again. You have to see everywhere at once. You have to keep everyone together."

"What was I supposed to do?!" Alice hisses at him, pushing herself up on her knees, so close to getting in his face. Rage bubbles up inside her, from that place deep down, and she doesn't push it away this time.

Carlisle named her harbinger--

"Let him die? Let Carlisle fall apart? The whole family, let them fucking fall apart?" The words fall from her lips, hurried and jumbled together. Terror laces the anger--he would say yes to all of that. For her. Because of her. "I'm not you, Jasper."

She gasps, as soon as she says it, her eyes wide, her hands clapped over her mouth. She didn't mean that--didn't mean it like that. But it hangs, heavy, in the air between them.

What can he even say to her?

Thank you? For proving his point.

He can only stare at her.

Sadness, kind of, but something deeper.

"Okay."

"No. No, no--" She reaches out for him, pushing at his shoulder. "No! You can't just say 'okay' like that!"

Her whole body trembles, and her fingers catch on his shirt before letting them fall away. "I'm upset, I didn't mean it..."

Ragged breath in, ragged breath out. She feels like the world is spinning too fast, out of control, she can't stop it.

"I need them too, Jasper. I can't--I didn't--

"I didn't mean it."

"What do you want me to say?"

Acceptance is a strange emotion.

There's a sort of helplessness to it.

A willingness to tolerate. Consenting to undertake. Being received as adequate.

It just is.

The anger is gone as quick as it rose, tamped down and destroyed by the despair that hits her like a wave.

She breathes, quickly, unnecessarily, like she desperately needs the oxygen her body won't even use. Hyperventilating, almost there.

She wants to run away. Why does she keep wanting to run away? Every day she stares out the window and thinks of just running away.

"The Volturi are going to come for me," she whispers, staring down at her fingers. "And Edward. Eventually. I don't know when or how, but I'm watching for it. I won't let them hurt you, though. I'd rather die than--"

Alice isn't sure what made her say it. A desperate need for him to hear truths from her, maybe. She'd begged Edward to not say a word of this, and here she is, spouting it off herself, most of it, except her plan.

Her plan, that grows less likely with every second passed between them. His eyes like that. She can't...she won't.

"I want you to be aware of the danger that I've brought home. Even if it makes you hate me."

It's strange to feel everything, and nothing.

Acceptance.

Jasper just sighs, nods a little.

Alice doesn't need to protect him.

He's a soldier, through and through.

He's never had a very good life expectancy.

"I'll fight them, then."

"No," She shakes her head. "You will not. I won't allow that to happen."

Sitting back in the sand, Alice draws her knees up to her chest, resting her chin on her knees, the wind sending her hair up and around and down again. She can feel the tiny pebbles of sand on her face from her knees, but it barely registers.

"I'd rather go with them, then watch you die, Jasper." Her fingers draw vague shapes in the sand below her. "Of course, from what Edward tells me, they may not give us a choice. Apparently they can break the bonds between people. Make me feel as if I've always wanted to be with them. Make you think you never loved me."

Her words are quiet, soft, under the wind. Saddened, because right now it seems their bond is so fragile that Chelsea would be able to break it without strain. Alice can't look at him. It hurts too much to think about. Losing him? Would he believe her if she said it would kill her? Does he truly think she loves him less than she loves the others?

Different kinds of love. He is not replaceable. But it all sounds and feels so hollow right now.

Won't allow it?

Jasper sighs, standing. He's staring off into the choppy waves, mind racing as he starts talking in earnest:

"Of course you will. I'm the best fighter in the coven. You'd have to use me. We'll figure out the rest. We'll need to know their powers, their weaknesses. Edward told you more?"

He assumes he did, with the way Alice talks about the bond-breaking.

"Eleazar too. And I know some vampires in the south who've had to deal with them before."

He pauses, thinking, and says, "You're smarter and more careful than Maria. You have me, your powers, Edward's."

Weirdly, the word coven has more affect on her than the mention of his creator. She jerks back like she's been slapped, stunned for a moment before scrambling to follow him into standing.

"What--" Alice reaches for his arm, grabbing it and turning him back around, making him look in her direction. "--the fuck are you doing?"

It's all reaching a terrible crescendo in her head. Stormcrow, coven, harbinger and all the terrible things Edward had told her in the car. Her skin itched, crawled. She almost wishes she was back in that damned car, hearing about how perfectly suited the Volturi were to take down their family.

Then, blinking: "Did you just compare me to Maria?"

It's nearly hysterical, the way she shouts that at him, shoving him from the hand on his arm still. It's not the point, none of this was the fucking point.

Jasper doesn't understand what she's upset about. Why she shouts at him, why she shoves at him.

He peers down at her, curiously.

"Is that not the point? You're not me. They're going to come for Edward and you. That you've decided to tell me now? Even if it makes me hate you? You know I could never hate you."

He reaches out, attempting to put his hands on her shoulders, attempting to understand.

"I don't know how you've known since '48. But I could never understand your power the way Edward does."

You're not me.

She's not. She isn't him, but this isn't right. He's hurting her in a way she didn't even know he could. This isn't him. This isn't right. This isn't him--

"No," Alice shrugs out from under his grasp, batting his hands away from her. "No, you don't understand." She doesn't understand. Everything feels upside down, dizzying. "I--what?"

The wind is worse now, the rain starting, big, fat raindrops that miss them more than they hit. A precursor, as the thunder growls above them.

"Since '48?!" She hisses it at him, incredulous. "I just found out, Jasper. You think I'd keep that from you for fifty-eight years?!"

It happens before she even thinks about it--her hand, slapping across his face. Marble hitting marble, the resounding sound echoing off the point, intermingling with the wind and the thunder, the rain. Her eyes, wild with emotion, her whole body trembling, and still--she manages to look stricken at her actions.

His cheek cracks, a tiny fissure, there and then gone as his gaze hardens on hers.

"What am I supposed to think, Alice?"

He has an edge to his voice again, the bland tone of moments before quickly evaporating.

"My wife decides we're not important, nearly gets her self killed or worse. Won't talk to me, lies to me, avoids me. What am I supposed to believe anymore?

Vampires are replaceable."

The crack--

Edward's face cracks as Felix slams his body into the marble flooring, Aro tsking like it's all just some unfortunate mess to be cleaned up. The fingers around her throat tighten

--she sees red. A voice inside tells her to not let the anger boil up and over but it's too late. She's shaking she's so upset and it just sharpens her into a finer point. "Fuck that. Don't you dare quote Maria's bullshit at me!"

Alice reaches out and shoves him again before stepping backwards one, two, three steps, her jaw tight, her eyes still wild. "I fucked up, Jasper. Okay? And you don't know what to believe anymore?! You've always believed in me and this time is when you stop? When I need you the most?

"I watched myself die a thousand times in that room, Jasper! And the last thing I said to Carlisle was full of hatred. The last thing I said to you was a lie. I wanted you safe. They couldn't have us all."

Her anger feeds into his. His gold eyes darkening with the fury he'd felt earlier, buried until now under the haze of his misunderstanding her intentions.

"Oh, I'm sorry, ma'am, for inconveniencing you with how I feel for once. I'll keep my thoughts to myself. Let you have the room."

He gestures, mockingly.

The rain is coming down hard now, soaking through their clothes, drenching them.

"Oh my God, I am trying to talk to you, jackass!" Alice pushes the wet, windswept hair out of her face, out of her mouth, spitting the strands out.

Her makeup runs, the rain no match for whatever supposed waterproof mascara she's wearing. Anger is the only thing keeping her upright now, chasing away the desperate urge to curl up in the sand and lay there.

"You know what, fine, when you're ready to stop acting like that, come find me again. I'm going home." Turning on her heel, she starts to stomp away. Running away has always felt like a good option, since months ago, in Denali.

"Yeah, home's where the closet is," Jasper mutters as she starts to walk away. As he turns away from her retreating back.

He's the one acting out?

He feels like she just ripped his heart out. Underneath all that anger. He feels -

I'm not you.

I'm not you.

I'm not you.

- Empty. Because she's the only thing that makes him feel whole.

He drops into the sand again. It's disgustingly wet. He doesn't care.

God.

Edited 2020-07-01 04:28 (UTC)

"That's not fair!" A shout, turning around and standing over him in seconds. She plays with the idea, for two seconds, of kicking him in the side. It might make her feel better, but in all honesty, it would probably make her feel worse.

"What do you want from me?" She's nearing hysterical, the rattling words in her mind overwhelmingly loud. "You wanna leave? Let's go. Pack a fucking bag, let's go. Wherever you want, I'm there."

Panic--how can she protect Carlisle and Bella and Edward if she's not here--swells, but she shoves it down. If this is what gets Jasper to stop, gets him to believe her, well, she'll do just about anything.

"I just want you."

Jasper's voice is quiet. Maybe too quiet for the wind and the rain, for Alice to hear.

His head is in his hands, his eyes closed.

Trying to block all of it out. Her anger, his pain, the brief panic, the hysterics.

He's not that lucky right now.

"You have me," she sobs, pressing her fingers against her eyes, dropping to her knees next to him, not giving a shit about the wet sand ruining her jeans. "You never stopped having me, unless you did it."

The rain on her face is as close to tears as she'll get, hunched over and wiping running mascara off of her face, shoulders shaking.

She lied to keep him safe. She took a human to Volterra to lure Edward away, to keep Jasper safe. She couldn't bring him--not with things so wrong, so open-ended. And it was still the wrong decision.

She thinks about Demetri's hand on her throat once more, knowing if Jasper was there, it would have ended worse--awfully--for him, for trying to protect her.

"I--" her voice breaks and she gasps air in, trying to get it under control, for him. They always feed off of each other--emotions ruling over logic, and she needs the calm. The calm she can't quite reach.

Jasper shaking his head again, pressing the palms of his hands to his forehead.

Not denying what she says, only to try and keep sane among their more volatile emotions.

"I don't know why I can't - God, Alice. I've always believed in you. It's me I can't, sometimes."

Sometimes, it's harder. Like now. Swept up in the emotions, the need and the want.

Wanting to protect her, needing to protect her and them. This, what they have. A wholeness that can't be described with the word mate. Because she's more than that. They're more than that.